Why?

So, if anyone finds this I guess I should say why this exists...

Basically I need an outlet, I don't care if no-one ever reads this (unlike other things). I guess I should tell you all a little about myself, I am married, have been for 2 and half years, I have a one year old son, and have recently moved into my own house and I am 23. I have been with my wife for six years, she is the only person I have ever slept with and I have never cheated on her.

Sounds like a good life doesn't it, well don't they always. I work as a supervisor in a shop, doing the evening shift (4:30pm-8:30pm) this means with travel I get home around 9:30pm. My wife works random hours, but usually between the times of 9:30am and 6pm including weekends. This means very little time together, this isn't anything new, we have coped with this for the last 4 years.

A little more about me I guess. I fell off my bike when I was 10, shortly after my parent split up, losing three of my front teeth. I was heavily bullied at secondary school between the ages of 11 and 14, leaving me with very low confidence, I was one of the brightest kids at my previous school and could have been at secondary school, but I wanted to be popular instead, I wasted my time and my ability in a vain attempt to be liked. It didn't work, at the age of 14 I wanted to kill myself, I even told my parents and teachers that I felt so worthless that there wasn't any point in carrying on. Turns out suicide isn't as easy to do as to think, I couldn't bring myself to do it and my mum was moving to New Zealand with my stepdad and baby brother, I was going with them, a new start. I had to leave my dad, my girlfriend (who I thought was the one) and my family.

It was hard, but it was good to have a new start, I still got bullied, but it was nowhere near as intense as in England, I could cope with what they thought was hurtful. I first started to cut myself while over there, I saw someone else with scratches on their arms and tried it when I was angry, it felt like such a release, it calmed me down, and made me smile, I only did it once as I was fairly happy over there. I made some good friends and fell in love, I will always love this girl as a friend, and would be happy to help her as she has always helped me. If things had been different and we had stayed there I am almost certain I would be married to her now instead, but we came back because my mum couldn't afford to stay there and visit family. My mum wanted to visit England more often than money would allow especially after my grandad died. That was when I first thought something was wrong with me, I didn't cry, or even feel upset about his death, I put it down to us not being very close, but later when my Great Gran died who I was close to, I had the same issue.

Once we were back I went to college, and I made few friends. One friend I had had scars all over her arms, I had a couple from when I had cut myself in New Zealand and so we talked about them a little, I started doing it more and more, and the more I did it the more I needed to, to stop myself being angry. A few years later I made friends with someone who suffers from depression, I did some research to try and help them through it. I noticed that I suffer from most of the symptoms, I will not say I suffer from depression, but it is likely. This is why I have made this page, I have given up cutting myself for my wife, I have given up drugs for her, but I need something to release my anger, frustration and pain. This will be my new release...